11 July 2024

Hello again, blog readers! Been a hot minute again, I've been awfully busy settling back in at home - but I'm back now! Another glimpse into the life of Jackson, coming up!

So, how've I been? Pretty good! I'm fighting the urge to just rot in bed all summer via a new volunteering position (I'm gonna be a youth worker for a summer program, which is pretty neat) and just generally spending time with my family and hobbies. Artfight ticks along, which sucks because I'm uncharacteristically artblocked - but I'm making my way through! Just... really gotta catch up on my revenges...

A lot of personal stuff has been going on now I'm back in my hometown, so it's been a bit rough, but I'm taking it all in stride, I think. I'm just sort of trying to accept that... well, I'm growing up, aren't I? So things are going to change, and it's not right to cling to the past and let myself lose out on the present and future. So I'm trying to engage with people more, rather than waiting for friendship to come to me - and I think it's going quite nicely! I feel like I have a much broader circle of friends now, rather than one or two and then a few people I just sort of... know. It means a lot to me. Plus, it's fairer on the people I know, isn't it? To do my best to care about them, rather than just the few people I consider closest.

In regards to the ORG I mentioned last time... didn't win! Came fifth out of twelve, actually - but for my first time it isn't bad! Almost got to finals! Plus I got to ramble about puppets while I was on my way out, and now the chats have opened up I can confirm - spectators loved me! Apparently I'm very earnest and charming, which is really nice to hear. I'm definitely gonna go back for another, hopefully with a bit of a harder shell - I'm pretty terrible at lying, and it turns out that would have saved me from going out. Sigh... Ah well. I still had a great deal of fun, and I think I've made a few friends! They've also been calling me Jackie a lot over there. It's weirdly heartwarming, I haven't had a new nickname in a while and I consider it a great compliment. It's weird, but it makes me feel really loved to think someone would come up with an endearing name for me. I got a bit sappy in there in my final reflections, that experience has meant a lot to me. Hoping to take the crown next time!

The roleplay I'm running is also going super well! We've been a bit slow on the beginning, but that's pretty par for the course, and I really think it's going to be a fun experience. And if not, I'm still gonna give it my best shot anyway! May as well, right? That's something I've noticed about myself recently - I've been giving more of myself, being more open. I think that's good for me. Still getting that therapist when I'm back at uni, though.

Going into the more general stuff, I've been thinking a lot about puppets recently - not finished Jank, but I've made my own little puppet OC, and I'm getting better at drawing them! Might try and draw some Sesame Street guys for practice, and then make a proper puppetsona. Really love the idea of a Frankenstein's monster-style design but just a bunch of stitched-together fabrics. It'd be cute! I've also had a lot of people talk about video games with me recently, so I want to try and play more - prep for eventually making my own visual novel! I got a few in the Steam sale - Disco Elysium, In Stars And Time (which I already love from the playthrough I watched), Slay the Princess (ditto), and RPGMaker on discount because I figure it'd be fun to fuck around in. Fun times ahead! I also wanna do more sewing, I haven't done any since I got back - but all my stuff's still in boxes. Maybe I'll just resign myself to reading instead - probably better for me, sewing makes me want to blow up sometimes...

I'm gonna be honest, I don't think I'm doing as well as I can be - I think I handle myself a bit better at university, while being down here just feels a bit... not quite right. Maybe because I don't have as many places to go outside of the house, as many people to spend time with. But between my new volunteering stuff, and a workshop that I'm interested in nearby, and going places with my family... I think I'm gonna manage, y'know? Or at least do my best to. A lot of stuff has been making me really happy recently, so I'm holding onto that. It is so easy to let myself be miserable, and drag the people I love down with me. I don't wanna do that any more. If I can manage it, I wanna be so happy it uplifts the people I care about.

Anyway, little heavy bit aside - gotta have one in every blog post, huh? - I'm still doing pretty alright! I think I'm gonna try and give myself a nice day tomorrow. There's a cookie recipe in the In Stars And Time manual, now I finally own the game, so I think the gameplan is to take a walk up to the park, have a little bit of reading and snack time, and then come back and see if I can get my sister to make cookies with me. I reckon I can convince her.

Goodnight, blog readers - sleep well.

31 May 2024

Oh, boy, it's been a hot minute, huh. Let's catch up!

So, important stuff first - MCM! Honestly, I think it went great. We sold super well, and I got to meet and talk to a lot of people who ended up really interested in my work! Some of you might be here now, actually. Hello, big wide internet! It genuinely meant so much to me to sell at my first major con, and the comic came out super nicely, so I've been so proud of myself. Currently feel like a hurricane's gone through my room, though, between excess stock everywhere and packing up to go home. Plus, now people are following my art socials. So I need to start actually posting on them. Whoops.

Speaking of, I head home from university over the weekend. It's gonna be strange, being back in my hometown - last time I was back properly was Christmas, which was a great time, but last summer I didn't actually do much, so I'm a bit worried I'll just end up rotting again. As much as I hate to say it, I'm not massively in contact with a lot of people from back home any more, so there's... not much reason for me to go anywhere. Really does feel like growing up, and I don't like it. I'm sure I'll get by, though - I'm gonna see if I can take up a spot volunteering, and do some work for my grandma, and just... occupy the rest of my time with my hobbies. I haven't had the chance to do that at home, not for a really long time, so... maybe it'll help. At the very least I can make a dent in my Discworld books. (I haven't started them. I have the first fifteen to go through. Help me.)

My birthday went smoothly, and it was nice seeing my family, even if it was just for the day before - plus my housemates put a lot of effort into making me feel cared for on the day, which meant a whole lot to me. I feel a little better about ageing, really. Even if I have lost a few of my old loved ones, I'm gonna keep making more, y'know? It's hard to make friends as an adult, but... I gotta do what I can. It's not fair on myself to let myself be lonely.

What else, what else... I'm doing well in the ORG I'm in! It started in mid-April and I'm still around, and I think the spectators have really taken a shine to me. It's a good time, though I've found I'm mega-susceptible to feeling bad for fucking people over in reality games like that. Desperately hoping nobody's feeling too rough about it... suppose there's no way of knowing for sure, though. It's been a good time, though! Beyond that, I've been watching a fair bit of Columbo, a lot of RTGame, working on my own roleplay over Discord (We start tomorrow! Eek!!), and just... doing alright, I reckon!

One interesting thing, though - I think when I get back up to uni next year, I might start seeing a therapist. Not for anything major, I've worked through a lot of the rough patches I've experienced in the past year or so, but... I think it might help me interpersonally. Having housemates, people who live with me but didn't raise me, has made me aware of potential causes for a lot of my deeper-seated issues, stuff I wouldn't pick up on otherwise, and I wanna work on that. I don't know how successful it'll be - I tend to be aware of my own issues, but not know what to do about them - but hey! I can give it a shot, right? Even if it doesn't work out the first time, I think taking those steps will help. I don't like to think I'm beyond salvaging, not with how much genuine progress I've made. Just need someone to help me go further.

I think that's all I have to say this time - I have a load of laundry in the dryer I've really gotta go pick up, I've just been thinking about this website a lot. Goodnight, blog readers!

26 Feb 2024

Just over two weeks since I last updated, but I wanted to drop by here again! It's weirdly therapeutic, updating this blog. I don't know if anyone reads it, and quite frankly I don't think I ever want to know, but it's cool just to be able to spam words and put them out on the internet.

So, what are my words for this time around? What do I have to tell the internet this time? Well, my puppet-making is underway! He's not very well put-together, and I found the video instructions I was using pretty confusing, but I like him. His name's Jank, because he's super janky. He's not finished yet, but when he is, he'll be in the gallery section! I've also been keeping up with my skincare and keeping my room clean, which is nice. I feel like a functioning person, and I don't feel that way often! It's nice to just... be on top of things, and know where I'm going with them. I like it.

Also, I decided what my essay's gonna be on! I'm doing it on the different strengths and weaknesses of digital vs traditional comic publishing - how it impacts finances, stylistic choices, audiences, all that jazz. I think it's gonna be fun to work on! There's a lot I think I can say on the topic, for sure, and the fact it comes easy to me means I have plenty of time to work on the comic I'm selling at MCM later this year. Which I need to have done in about a month so there's enough leeway for a botched printing... pray for me, dear blog reader.

On another note, my birthday's in about a month! Exactly a month, actually. My mum's coming to visit the day before, but I have lectures (and a deadline) on the day, so I won't see her. This is the first year that's happened, actually, and... well, I don't really like the thought of it. It feels like growing up. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Thinking about it makes me all nostalgic and weepy. I miss being back at home, hanging out with my friends on my birthday, with so much small stuff to worry about that nothing else feels important. Now I'm three hours away, far away from my family and friends back home (some of whom I don't even speak to any more), with so much daunting stuff to think about. At least I've got my housemates, and I've got my pal at the same university, and I've got the folks I know online. I think that's enough, really. I just don't like the change. I'm gonna be 20, blog reader. Officially no longer a teen. It's not fun to think about - I'm getting a little bit teared up just writing this, which feels a little silly.

I'm gonna ask you a question, blog reader, and I don't really expect to ever get a full answer, from you or anyone. When you're growing up, growing apart from everything you cared about as a kid, do you remain the same person? I don't feel like the same person I was ten years ago, or even seven or five or three or one, and yet... I do, at the same time. Do you change, or does the world change, or does it all change? I feel a bit silly, waxing philosophical in a blog post on a site I use primarily to dick about at coding, but... I don't know. It's been on my mind recently. I've been thinking about how much things have changed in recent times for me, and... it sucks, knowing I can't go back to how things were. I can just go forwards, and hope those things I miss loop back around to me again - in the same form, or as something entirely different. I'm excited to see how that pans out, at least.

Anyway! Back onto more pleasant things. We sold that milfs and dilfs artbook! And made a fair chunk of change on it, too - people loved my Mr Krabs stickers, and they were really fond of the art we made for the book too. It's super nice, being able to sell my work and have it succeed. I'm not used to that, but god, it means a lot. Even if it's for dumb sexy Mr Krabs fanart. I'll take it, y'know?

I also participated in a zine project for my university, and I really enjoyed it - the theme was alternative culture, and I did my page on alternative subculture and solidarity between them. I did this by drawing a group of alt kids and making them in love. As you do. They're super cute, I'm gonna post the page in the gallery when I get back the official zine. I've also been doing a logic puzzle book I've been given - one of those 3D grid murder-solving things. It's really good, keeps me occupied. And a roleplay I applied to has started up, too! I love playing Benji, he's a total delight, and while Ayhan's a bit trickier to get into the groove of, I'm getting there for sure. I also made my own mini-zine about making puppets, which I thought was cute, and I've been patching up a few things and practicing my sewing. It's still messy, but I think that adds to it.

I think that's everything I wanted to say... not much has happened physically, but I've had a lot going through my head, so getting it all down has been super helpful. I'm gonna be finishing up Jank and working on my MCM comic for the next while, and doing some sewing bits in between - I've got a shirt I love that's too small for me, so I'm gonna open up the arms a bit, and I want to make a cosplay for MCM too. Still gotta do that big canvas painting too... I haven't decided what to draw yet. :[.

Until then, I'm signing off here. I've just realised how really hungry I am. Dinner time!

11 Feb 2024

Honestly, I thought I was gonna update this a lot sooner. It's good to be back, though!

So, how have things been going? Pretty good! I got that creative writing feedback, and I blew it outta the water. We're working on a group project for my course, and I'm managing the webpage over there, which I think is delightful. I'm a little behind on the art side of things, but I've been struggling with my sleep a lot recently, so it's a gradual progress. I've been doing a lot more self-care, though! Been keeping my room clean, using my desk sometimes instead of sitting in bed to do stuff - I did skincare today, and I never do that sort of shit. It's been nice.

I've also been working on some more traditional art forms, alongside my usual stuff. I've been experimenting with new mediums, paint and felt pens mostly, and it's been super fun messing about with that sort of thing. Though you never quite realise how hard it is to find POC skin tones in paint pens until you get a set and your closest is... 'cool beige' is the best way to describe it. Luckily I had some gouache on hand to finish up the piece. Estelle, girl, I'm so sorry. Either way, though, I've been enjoying it a lot. My on-campus residential team took our pinboard from the main hallway, and I'm thinking of painting something to replace it (not on the wall, obviously, but to put up there). My main idea is the rat wedding from Arthur. Or the wedding at the rat hole, from real life. I think it's funny.

I've also gathered some materials for a new project - I'm gonna make a puppet! Like, a proper little rod puppet, with the foam and fur and felt and everything. He's not begun production yet, but I've been thinking about him constantly. I just need to draw up a design for him and then get crafting. And give him a name... I'd ask you, reader, for ideas, but I don't know if you have my contact info. Telepathically beam them to me, or something.

What else is there to say... My cherryade exploded all over my floor, my group are creating a hot cartoon milfs and dilfs artbook for fundraising purposes, I made a big fucked up sandwich I'm calling the 'Black Forest Blackout', I have a CD player set up in my room now... I don't know, my perception of time is a bit off, so I can't remember what's new between my last post and now. It's a bit disorienting.

Ooh, I looked across my room and thought of something - my essay module began! I figure that sounds like a nightmare, given I chose to do a comic arts course, but I'm honestly super excited. I'm quite good at essay writing, so I think I'll knock this one out of the park. Just been torn on a theme... I've got four in mind, but I can only do one, and my lecturer couldn't help decide either. Here are the options:

• The evolution of comics into webcomics/visual novels, how the mediums differ in terms of storytelling, and how they can't easily be changed back. Possible sources: Homestuck, 17776, any webcomic with animated segments.
• Scottish-dialect comics, and how they're generally written and perceived. Possible sources: The Broons, Oor Wullie.
• How mystery stories can be told through visual novels, and how the interactvity changes how you need to tell those stories. Possible sources: Detective Grimoire, Ace Attorney (for an example of how a reader can 'skip ahead' of the script and get disoriented in a VN).
• A general synopsis of the Ken Penders lawsuit. I just think the guy's fucking fascinating.

It's annoying not to know which one to do. I'll figure it out, though. Arguably, it's better to have a lot of ideas than none at all. I've got a bunch of books on webcomics on loan, so... probably gonna do that one..?

That being said, I think my biggest flaw as a creator is having too many interests and ideas and wanting to do them all at once. I mean, I run this site, I roleplay, I'm making a puppet, I'm working on my detective noir VN, I've been painting and drawing and trying to create as much as I can - it gets tiring, y'know? I worry I stretch myself too thin. I should probably just pick one thing to do outside of my university work and stick to it for a while, swapping once it gets boring. But I don't like that idea too much either. Ehh... it'll probably work itself out. As long as I'm not working myself to death, I think it's manageable.

As a final note, I've been thinking of finally putting this page in my Discord bio, and swapping out the old link. I don't think it's quite ready, though. I wanna migrate my URLs first, properly distinguish 'jaxjex' and 'negativejekyll'... I've had my art pages linked to by my coursemates for our project, which I think means I need to actually start using them. I don't think I'll do that tonight, but... it's on the horizon. Yeah, that's a nice way to put it. It's on the horizon. Just need to work out how to stop so many things being on the horizon. Tune in next time to see how that goes!

17 Jan 2024

I've finally got this part of the page set up! Working on this site is pretty fun, but I have such a tendency to put it off, so it's nice to finally have this here. Welcome to the blog section! I'm just going to be rambling here occasionally, nothing too spectacular, but I think it's cool. I really love the idea of a space on the internet that's just... mine, and so it's nice to finally have that. Now to fix up all the rest of it.

Is there anything interesting for me to write in this first bit? Not really. There's a bunch of cool people in my social circles with their own neocities pages, and I get distracted sometimes looking through theirs and it inspires me to work on my own. If I had a page for other website's buttons, I'd put them all there, but, like... I don't know how close we are, and I don't want them to think I'm weird. I'm not too active in a lot of social circles, so I don't know if they'd say we know each other well enough to put their websites on mine. I'm probably overthinking it, really, but... that's autism for you, I guess.

I am trying to be more active in other groups this year, though. 2023 wasn't my best year, and it made me reflect on a lot of super unhealthy habits I've been kind of enabling, one of them being fixating so hard on one person or group that I don't give the other people in my life or my own passions enough time. I want to try and repair that a bit this year - and I think I'm doing alright! I've been hanging out with my housemates and family and classmates more, and diversifying the spaces I hang out in online. It's daunting, and I've had a good few setbacks, but it's... nice, and it's really been improving my outlook. Like, holy hell, the people around me do give a shit! Man. Ain't that something. Life's a goddamn trip, but I'll tell you what, it's a lot more enjoyable when I put the effort in to wish my grandparents a happy birthday and play Catan with my housemates. I just wish I hadn't had to go through that rough patch to see it.

There's a lot I want to do this year, and admittedly part of me worries that's me overcompensating because of how I've been this past while, but... hey, I'm working on stuff! That's cool! I want to put a page on this site for all my projects and tinkering so I can share them with people, and honestly this site is one of those projects in and of itself. If anything, I want to get all the pages up and running before I start linking it places, but it's been nice to tinker with anyway. Other projects include raising my grade average (still waiting on some creative writing feedback, but I'm doing well so far), making a visual novel, and reading more. I will get through you, half-read copy of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep. Just... maybe after I read something shorter... baby steps.

It feels nice to be working on my own things again. I love doing stuff collaboratively, but it's been so long since I've had it in me to work on my own projects, and... wow, y'know? It feels good! It feels freeing! I'm writing and drawing and creating and it's all mine to use as I see fit! I feel like my own person for the first time in... I don't want to put a number to how long it's been, because I'm honestly not sure. Either way, it's been lovely. I can't wait to get to the point where that work finally comes to fruition.

On that note, I'm gonna do some washing-up and hang out with my housemates. They will listen to me talk about my current grades, and they're gonna like it.